don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
