i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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