and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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