You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
