so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
