tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
