Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
