I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
