Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
