Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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