Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
