Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
