The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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