Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
