you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
