The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
