My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
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It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
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so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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