I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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