some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
