Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
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