So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
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Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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