Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
