I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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