My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
