Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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