If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
