she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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