the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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