He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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