my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
