he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
