she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
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her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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