Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
