I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
