I just saw a hot homeless man
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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