I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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