: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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