It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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