I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
