I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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