I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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