i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
