The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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