Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
