He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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