The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
