All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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