Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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