My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
