Don't make out with my wife yet
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
