MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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