GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
