you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
