Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
