Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
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