Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
