My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
